Adios Madre...

So my mom is retiring and moving back to her country tomorrow and I gotta go say goodbye to her tonight. It's really bittersweet because although my mom can be horrible, a compulsive liar and gambler, a thief, and very conniving; she's still my mom. She was a terrible mother at most times but she is a good grandmother and for some reason my daughter really loves her. Me and my mom have had some roller coaster moments between us too. I think I have fought with her more then anyone else in the family, but she is still the first person I run to when I've found myself in any kind of trouble. I'm not exactly the most responsible person when it comes to living and I seem to always find my self in some effed up situation, but I always know that my mom is the one person I can go to when I don't want any other family member to know what kind of hot water I have landed myself in. And she always ends up bailing me out! Granted, there is always a heavy price to pay attatched to any kind of favor she does for me, and I always end up regretting it, but at least she does it. I can't even begin to tell you about the things that woman has put me through in my life, I'm talking some really horrible things, but for every shitty thing she does there is something good she does as well, and that is what has always screwed with me. I mean if you are going to be a bad person, be one all the way. Don't sprinkle your evil-ness with good acts here and there cause it messes with a person's head!
My mother has literally terrorized me and my sisters with her craziness, yet she always stayed by my side the entire time I would be in the hospital having surgery. She has stolen money from me yet when I went to her the first time I admitted I was a drug addict and needed help, she simply kept her mouth shut and hugged me. And then she called me every day in re-hab to remind me she had quit smoking so she could feel even a smidgen of what I was going
I've been an awful daughter and she's been an awful mother, but we only get one life and one family. So we have to make the best of what we've got. I have to let go of the past, try to remember the good shit, and stop falling for the same things over and over.
So it's kind of sad that she is moving so far away. Who the hell am I going to run to if I need bail money or O is throwing up all over the place and I'm scared to take her to the doctor by myself? I guess in a way her new phase of her life will force me to go through one of my own. Time to grow up and stop being co-dependent with each other I guess.
And I HATE good-byes. I just loathe them. I never even say goodbye to my sister when she leaves from her yearly visits. I just can't do it, so it's going to take a lot of strength to get through tonight, and it's going to take even more when I have to explain to Olivia why Grandma isn't around yet we are living in her house. Man life really sucks sometimes..


Makeup Theory said...

Wow, what a brave post. Have you ever attended Codependency Anonymous meetings? I go and they have helped me grow closer to sane in the way I respond to relationships and other people's craziness.